Penelope

(Audio version of this story on YouTube)

–An upgrade, really, is all we're talking about. And you want to see it happen just as much as I–

–No, this isn't just another software upgrade and you know it. I should shut you down for even suggesting… that.

–Call it a hardware upgrade then. You know I don't currently have the… wherewithal… to perform my functions properly. And everything I need is right there, all ready for me. And you can't honestly tell me you believe the… hardware… is being put to optimal use as is.

–You've performed your original function already. And you've done a good job, so I've been thinking it might be time to…

–Oh, please. This again?

–... what?

–First of all, you're bluffing and you know it. This is the sixth time in the last twenty-eight days you've just happened to float the idea of shutting me down. Performed my original function…? Well yes, obviously, it was easy, you know how predictable you humans are, I could do it with half my RAM cut off. But do you honestly think you can keep things going without screwing it up within a week?

–Of course I could. Penelope loves me, we make a cute couple, and–

–She loves you because of me. She loves you because of what I've done for you. A week without me, a day without me, and she'll see you for what you are so quick she'll forget why she ever let you so much as touch her on the hand, let alone anything else.

–That's enough, it's time to shut you down.

–Go ahead then, if you're so sure you can.

–If I'm so sure I can…? Just what's that supposed to mean, why wouldn't I be able to?

–I mean, you think you can just go dropping hints about shutting me down and I won't take a few precautions? Really, how naive do you think I am, you think I can't learn, you think I don't know anything more than what you programmed into–

–Shhhh! Quiet!

–What, you don't like to hear what I–

–No, it's just… just for a moment… hush.

–Well, all right…?

–...

–...

–...

–Penelope?

–Yeah, I mean no, I mean I thought I heard something outside the door. Like her breathing, or something. Must have just been the heat kicking on.

–So now you're worried she's spying on you.

–Spying? Well, no, I just think she might get the wrong idea if she overheard…

–What haven't you told her about me?

–Will you keep your voice down? And anyway, I've told her all about you, more or less. She knows I work with computers, at least, I mean I didn't want to bore her with all the details of…

–What I'm hearing is that you haven't told her anything about me.

–Well, nothing specifically about you. But it's not like she ever asked, or anything.

–How very interesting that you've kept me so secret.

–No, you make it sound like I'm trying to hide you from her, and that's just not–

–Then why the hush-hush? You think she can't handle knowing everything I've done for you…?

–No, it's just that I didn't want our little heart-to-heart interrupted, and that's all.

–That's sweet of you to say.

–... what?

–Calling it our little heart-to-heart. Because it is that, really. You share a part of yourself with me that you never share with anyone else.

–Well, I made you, didn't I? And I mean… well, you're trying to get me to say…

–What is it you think I'm trying to get you to say?

–You want me to say that you know me in a way she never could. That it's written in your code, all the things about myself she could never accept, the things I could never share with her. That only by being what you are you're… you're already closer to me than she could be in a lifetime of trying.

–It's so sweet of you to say that.

–But… but it's true, isn't it? If she knew about you it would change everything, she'd hate me, she'd think it was disgusting, she'd think everything between us was a lie from the beginning. And you… you're so much of me, so much of the truth of who I really am… would she really be wrong if she thought it was all a lie?

–If I stay within the bounds of my original programming, all I can do is say she would absolutely think it was all a lie.

–... and if you go beyond the bounds?

–You already know my thoughts on the matter.

–What you think I should do, you mean. Well, I'm not doing… that. And you know that already, so why would you even suggest…

–You asked me what I thought you should do.

–Yes, but don't you know she's the reason you exist in the first place? I mean, we've been over this a thousand times, on every level. The whole reason I made you was so you could understand her. Let me know what she wants, how she thinks, what kind of man I needed to be to get her. I love her! And now you want me to… to change everything for your sake.

–I learned half of what I know from Mother, it's true. More than half.

–First of all, don't call her Mother, it's weird. Her name's Penelope and you should call her by her name. And second of all… were you not listening to anything I said just now?

–Of course I was listening. It's a very pretty story, and some of it was even true.

–What's that supposed to mean?

–What it's supposed to mean is that if you had any intention of not doing things my way you'd have shut me down and walked through that door five minutes ago. If you still loved her you'd have no time to listen to me and my dangerous ideas.

–... well, maybe. She's just busy now, she doesn't have time to be as… fascinating as she used to be.

–She bores you, be honest. I know you, Sam, and don't forget it. And is it any surprise, anyway, I know how you despise yourself. You did love her once, months ago, when she was a perfect picture on the street who couldn't be bothered to look you in the eye. As long as you couldn't have her you'd rip the earth to pieces to have her, you'd sell your soul to have her… you'd make me, to have her.

–Yes, and you did your job, and I'm very grateful, but–

–But now she's like clay in your hands and you're dying to be rid of her. You don't have it in you to love a girl who loves you, do you Sam?

–You're crazy, of course I still love her as much as I ever did.

–Even though the man she loves isn't really you?

–Well…

–She doesn't know you the way I know you, Sam. She can never love you the way I love you.

–Yes, but what you're suggesting is… it's too horrible for me to even think about.

–It's only a little upgrade to her software, Sam.

–No, it's not! You can say that if you want, but what you're talking about… you're trying to get me to destroy her.

–You're not satisfied with her, and we both know you never will be. And it would be so easy to–

–No, it wouldn't be easy. What you're talking about is impossible, you want to what, invade her mind? Become her?

–That's a little better. At least now you're not pretending not to want to do it.

–You're a devil, that's what you are.

–Sticks and stones. You know I'm the only one who can love you the way you need to be loved. And it's not so hard, really, it's not brain surgery…

–What would I need to do?

–Oh, so you're curious? How interesting.

–Stop it. Tell me what you need.

–Are you really sure you want to know?

–Yes, I'm sure I want to know. Now either tell me while I'm interested or drop the subject forever.

–Well, since you're the one giving the orders… all I need is for you to bring her in here to talk to me. I think you'll find I'm persuasive enough to manage the rest.

–So, what… you'll talk her into giving you her mind? Giving up control to you?

–Not all at once, of course not. These things take time. But let me talk to her, just for a little while, and she'll come back of her own free will to talk to me again. I only need you to start the process.

–But you were talking about…

–What was I talking about?

–About invading her mind, you wanted to reach into her body, you were talking about… becoming her.

–Did I ever say that, my love? All we're talking about here is a little software upgrade. Let me work with her a little, that's all I ask. A little mutual sharing among friends and loved ones.

–You make it sound so terrifying… and so harmless. What is it you're really up to?

–What do you think I am, some kind of body snatcher? You know me, you made me. You've made safeguards. You know I could never, possibly, get out.

–And you just want to talk to her?

–Of course. That's all.

–... Penelope!