This book drove me insane for a while.
No joke, I was a little scared when I went back to reread Existential Kink a couple of weeks ago. The last time I read it was sometime in the middle of 2022, during a pretty dark time in my life. And it's a whole convoluted mess of a story, but suffice to say there was a woman involved, there was a shadowy conspiracy I still don't understand, and for a few months there I felt like God was speaking to me. Or the Devil, I wasn't sure.
All because I applied the advice in this book extremely poorly.
Okay, maybe not all because of that. But I was in a pretty loopy mental space at the time and some of the woo-woo in Existential Kink appealed to me. If I went off half-cocked in following my own personal version of the book’s advice, that's nobody's fault but my own.
Still… doesn't mean I wasn't a little nervous going back to this book after a year and a half.
Existential Kink
So: what is this book and why does it have that crazy name?
Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Existential Kink is something like a woo-woo self-help book for perverse types who can't stand to think positive and love tormenting themselves. (You see why it appealed to me.) There are two formulas that pretty briefly summarize the drift of the book, the first of which comes from Carl Jung and goes a little something like, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.” The second little chestnut is a lot shorter, but it's the one everybody seems to have a problem with: “Having is evidence of wanting.”
The one from Jung is a familiar enough idea, even if it leads you to discover new things about yourself that you really sort of knew all along. It's the basic psychoanalytic point that there's more to the psyche than you're consciously aware of. You may run into patterns and situations repeatedly, you may feel stuck in ways you have a hard time dealing with, etc. And consciously you may think that's just the way the world is, or you're just fated to be miserable in this particular way. But what's really going on here is that you’re unconsciously seeking out these situations because there's something you're getting out of them. They feel comfortable, or they confirm that you're really the kind of person you think you are, or whatever. And until you become aware of all these unconscious factors at work in you, you'll go on repeating the same old patterns and living in the same old way.
So far so uncontroversial.
But the second part is, “Having is evidence of wanting.” The idea here is that, no matter how fucked-up you may consciously think your life is, no matter how much you may hate it… some part of you unconsciously gets off on it. You may feel trapped in your job because you really, deeply, indecently get off on feeling trapped. You may cling to that awful, dirty, shameful habit of yours because some part of you really, really, REALLY likes feeling dirty, shameful, and helpless. You may find yourself stumbling into the same sorts of relationships over and over because, no matter how terrible or unsatisfying they may be, some corner of your soul wants that desperately.
(Which is where a lot of people have issues with this book. Some people go through some pretty bad shit and there are some passages in here where you'll be screaming, “So you're telling me I wanted it!?!” And that's a container of creepy-crawlies I'm not gonna open up right now. It's complicated.)
The basic idea is not to get in touch with your unconscious desires and change your life. The basic idea is to make yourself conscious of the fact that your current life, as you're living it right now, is what you desire. To see and feel the way all the bullshit, frustrating, unwanted things in your life line up perfectly with your unconscious desire.
It's perverse, really: the goal is to get off on how fucked-up your life is. And once you can do that, sure, you can change it.
Because you'll be whole. You'll no longer be split down the middle between what you say you want and what you unconsciously crave.
The Practice
Most of the self-help part of the book has to do with meditative practices to help you get in touch with your unconscious desires. And there's a lot in here, but the main thing is the Existential Kink meditation.
Basically, you take a situation in your life that you consciously do not like. That job, or that habit, or that relationship, or whatever. And you make a daily practice of meditation where you open yourself up to the unconscious enjoyment you take in the situation. Meditate on it for fifteen minutes a day, then reflect on the meditation in a journal. Pay attention to what happens in your body as you think of certain patterns and desires and interactions. The goal is to bring into consciousness the part of yourself that really, really, REALLY gets off on this horrible situation and wants it to go on forever.
Which can take some time, naturally. But I find that the more I do the meditation, the more I find I'm unconsciously really enjoying the things I say make me miserable. And the more I resist that idea with a particular situation, the more I can be sure there's a part of me that's enjoying the awfulness tremendously.
That's nowhere close to being the only practice described in the book. But it should give you an idea of the overall approach of Existential Kink.
Thoughts and Reflections
So, is this book for you? If you're here reading this, the ideas I've talked about appeal to you, and you're not put off by a lot of weird sex talk… then yes, absolutely. If you're unsatisfied with your life as it is but find most self-help books entirely brain-dead and stupid… then maybe. If you think this sounds like a weird book for perverts that only a sicko would read, let alone take seriously… then I humbly advise giving this one a pass.
Personally, I may make a habit of coming back to this book every year or two. I enjoy Carolyn Elliott’s writing, the way she thinks, and the way she puts ideas together. Some part of me wants to say something critical or disparaging of the book so I can pretend I'm above it, but I really can't. There's wisdom in here, and good advice, and a perverse energy that makes the book feel true in a way most self-help doesn't.
So by all means, try it out, see what you think. Just keep your wits about you.
Don't let a book drive you crazy.
Comments